As I type I am sitting on one of the most awesome airlines I’ve ever flown on… awesome only because they have WiFi on board, never mind the fact that it costs $12.95 for the entire flight. I guess, though, when the flight is almost 5 hours long $12.95 is not a big deal right now. Give me some internet and a drink and I’m ready for this journey. (No, I have not had a sip of alcohol thus far- more on why later).

Let’s talk about my journey to seat 19F on flight 416 to New York City. Chris and I left Desert Town with ample time to get to LAX- or so we thought. Then there we were, sitting on the 405 in bumper-to-bumper traffic and it’s 2:20 ish. I go into semi-panic mode in my mind, saying things like: “How can I fix this if I do miss my flight?,” “My Mother is going to freak out,”  “Good thing I had the dress mailed to me and got it altered here.” The optimistic part of me- I think it comprises of .01 % of my brain- thinks we’ll make it (my flight is at 3:20 by the way), we have to make it, the Garmin says we will- why would it lie? Needless to say we made it by 2:30 and the woman at the check-in counter says to Chris “She’s not gonna make this flight.” Wrong thing to say, lady- I’m getting on this plane! She was the least of my worries, though.

My heart was racing as I made my way up to the security check point to deal with the friendly TSA agents- here to help protect our skies, right? I will say two nice things about the TSA people: 1) My sister is a T SA agent, so that gives them a few brownie points with me and 2) I love this family line thing where I get to skip all the folks traveling without kids and go right up to the metal detectors. Really, the family line was the whole reason I made my flight, because there were a lot of people on line. I get through the metal detectors with no trouble- after all, this isn’t my first time flying with Cadence, I’ve been trying to master the art of getting through the line in a timely fashion and I think I did pretty well.

Here’s where the drama starts. I get through security knowing that they would need to do a bag check (I had 3 bottles with me). So the TSA guy, whose name I didn’t get opens the thermos with the milk and proceeds to tell me that I can’t take my ice pack any further- you can only use it if you have breast milk. I could just feel the fire begin to burn inside of me, so I just nicely said- are you serious? I flew from Florida to LA with this same ice pack with no problem- have the rules changed since April? And really, why only breast milk? Does formula not need to stay cold as well? Milk is milk. **Whoa, we just hit an air pocket… I may have peed a bit in my pants** Anyway, I am ready to rip TSA guy a new one when I think of my sister and all of the pain in the ass passengers that she probably gets so I say to Mr. TSA: “Look, I know you’re just trying to do your job, but I need this ice pack. I can’t fly for 5 hours and just have the milk sitting out.” And this is the part where I got into a back-and-forth conversation with a dumb ass who clearly knows nothing about formula.

TSA guy: “Well, why don’t you have the powder?”

Me: “I don’t use the powdered form.”

TSA guy: (puzzled look on his face) “But isn’t there a powder that you have to mix it with?”

Me: “Yes, but I don’t use that kind, I use the ready-made.”

TSA guy: (idiotic silence)

Me: “It comes already made in liquid form.”

TSA guy: “Okay, but where’s the container?”

Me: “In my fridge at home.”

TSA guy: “You should have it.”

Me: (About to lose it on this guy) “Once you open the ready-made formula, it needs to be refrigerated right away, how would I keep a bottle this big (I show him the size using my hands) cool on a plane?”

And this goes on until I remember that I am going to miss my flight, so I go to snatch my thermos and TSA guy says “I have to test the bottles.” “Well, let’s get going ’cause I’m going to miss my flight” I say. As genius TSA guy is testing the milk another TSA guy walks over and says “What are you doing?” So loser TSA guy tells TSA guy #2 about my oh-so suspicious ice pack and TSA guy #2 says “It’s fine, I let Moms take those all of the time, just swipe it and give it back to her.” Loser TSA guy says “I thought it was only breast milk?” TSA guy #2 says “Nah, give her her things.” “Oh” says loser TSA guy. In my most annoyed, loud Brooklyn tone I say “Are you done testing?” (Yes) And I cover my milk, snatch my stuff and walk to my gate- fucking idiot…

I board the plane with its mood lighting on the inside and take my seat and would it be my luck that Cadence and I are sitting in front of germ city? This guy is sneezing and blowing his nose for days and days. Sweet, I think, contaminate the recycled air in this enclosed space. That’s ALL I ever wanted! Ugh.

Maybe about 20 minutes into the flight, someone let one rip. Now, I know that everyone passes gas, but this was foul. I thought Cadence pooped her diaper- that’s how bad it smelled and how long the smell lingered. Really? That’s inappropriate in an enclosed space!

Cadence is sleeping right now, so I’m typing this with one hand. The flight’s pretty good- bumpy from time-to-time. I thought the constant movement of the plane would put her to sleep. I didn’t think that she would try to take my neighbor’s sweater away (while she was sleeping nonetheless), try to pull the hair of the woman in front of me and really not give a damn about what’s going on outside the window. I brought every defense mechanism that I could think of including a bag with her favorite toys, a Baby Einstein DVD, juice and a bag of those dissolvable banana puffs she likes so much. They seem to be working for now.

I was prepared to have a drink or two on the flight to make Cadence’s (at times) wild behavior more bearable. Besides the fact that she’s being surprisingly good, I’ve been having these crazy pains in my sides and lower abdomen plus some nausea. Unless my birth control is defective, I know I’m not pregnant… so I think I may be dehydrated. I guess that’s what happens when you become a caffeine addict, huh? I drank two sodas back-to-back yesterday… that probably wasn’t a good idea. So I’m going to try and drink as much water as possible between tonight and tomorrow so that I can drink up at my brother’s wedding on Saturday- I really hope it’s open bar.

I just want to land so I don’t have to hear the tool in 20F blow his nose any more- what the heck do you have in there dude? Planets? According to Google Maps  we’re going 592 mph at 37,072 feet, with 1,226 miles to go. We’re cruising right over the Illinois/Indiana border & it’s -66 degrees outside (brrr). New York City, here we come. Let’s see if I, too can sleep on this plane.

My flight rules?

a) Keep your germs to yourself

b) Keep your God awful bodily gasses to yourself and

c) I’ll try to keep my child’s hands off of your stuff- pretty simple, no?

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