And used in the absolute correct context as well.

Now, I know what you’re thinking “Really Dawana? Your mouth is more filthy thank a poopy diaper… are you surprised at the dropping of the s-bomb?”

I know guys. I cuss a lot.

And for . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Oh Shiz]]> Well really it was more like “Oh Shit!”

And used in the absolute correct context as well.

Now, I know what you’re thinking “Really Dawana? Your mouth is more filthy thank a poopy diaper… are you surprised at the dropping of the s-bomb?”

I know guys. I cuss a lot.

And for some reason, my brain is so well programmed that it turns off at the sound of the bell at 8:05 and my cursing turns back on at about 3:15 pm.

And yes, I cuss at home.

And I know, I need to tone it down.

I just get so fired up about so many things and they just come out.

But oh y’all…

Yesterday…

Pea was helping me make rice… and I use the term “make” lightly, meaning we just dumped rice and water into the rice cooker (but that’s beyond the point).

Anyway, as we are pouring rice into the rice cooker, some fell on the counter and

“Oh tit”

Wait…what?

“Pea, what did you just say?”

“I tay- Oh tit”

**sigh**

(Enter feelings of great sadness, guilt and absolute #MOMMYFAIL)

Start Pea’s first true Mommy Lecture

Now, I’ve gotten many Mommy lectures and I’ve given many First Grade Teacher lectures, but I’m no expert, so I thought the only way to explain to her that shit was a bad word was to repeat it.

Right? (Oh please say yes)

“Pea?

Yet Mommee

We do not say oh shit… those are really bad words and do we say bad words?

No way!

Right, so Mommy doesn’t want you to say oh shit those are bad words and bad words are only for Mommys and Daddys to say sometimes, not big girls or babies Okay?

Otay Mommee

So, do we say bad words?

No Mommee

Okay, so are you supposed to say oh shit?

No Mommee, I towee”

Phew. Crisis averted for now.

I’m sure more bad words will come out and really? It’s my fault. I say it, she repeats it. I’ve gone almost 3 years without her dropping any curse word bombs.

So. I may have revoked my good Mommy card for about 5 seconds yesterday, then I gave it back to myself because… it could’ve been worse.

She could’ve said oh shit at school.

That would’ve been embarrassing.

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I may have created a mythical character today…

The Potty Fairy

Similar to the Tooth Fairy arriving after you lose a tooth, the Potty Fairy arrives after you’ve started using the potty. Mostly for encouragement purposes and to remind you how fantastic it is that you’re using the potty.

She . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: The Potty Fairy]]>

I may have created a mythical character today…

The Potty Fairy

Similar to the Tooth Fairy arriving after you lose a tooth, the Potty Fairy arrives after you’ve started using the potty. Mostly for encouragement purposes and to remind you how fantastic it is that you’re using the potty.

She brings you panties, of course, and a potty book.

Last weekend, some magic happened. Pea stayed dry all weekend in her diapers. I had to take her to the toilet every ____ minutes, but she was dry. 1 diaper, all weekend. So I told her daycare teacher and we continued this trend all week. There were 3 accidents in the mornings because her regular daycare teacher wasn’t there (we think that’s why there were accidents) and there were 2 poop accidents. This weekend, we’ve been dry again… 1 poop accident (I can’t quite get her to poop in the toilet and she tries not to poop in her panties, so she was actually constipated all last week til a massive poopsplosion occurred, so any advice on how to encourage her to poop in the toilet are welcome)… but folks, I think we have a peeing, panty wearing 2 year old. (I don’t know if it’s too early to celebrate) She’s been waking up dry from naps and in the mornings and sometimes… when she’s brave, she even tells me that she needs to pee.

Progress peeps, progress.

Holla!

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regression (http://definr.com/regression)

n 2: (psychiatry) a defense mechanism in which you flee from reality by assuming a more infantile state

        4: returning to a former state

You see this face:

Don’t be fooled.

This kid has lost her . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Regression]]>

regression (http://definr.com/regression)

n 2: (psychiatry) a defense mechanism in which you flee from
reality by assuming a more infantile state

        4: returning to a former state

You see this face:

Don’t be fooled.

This kid has lost her damn mind.

Like for real.

And lately? She’s been doing some 1-year old shit that is pissing me off.

Why are you regressing?

Why?

She’s pointing to things going “Mmm” “Mmm” “Mmm” instead of saying “Mommee, I peas have dat.”

and? She’s doing this weird ass whining that involves her just standing there and saying “mwaaaaa,” no tears involved, just because she feels like it.

Seriously? Cut it out. Now.

Her teacher said today “well, she’s around all these new 2-year olds coming in that don’t verbalize well and her birthday isn’t til January, so she can’t go on the list for the 3-year old room till about November.”

Awesome.

So will I be listening to her whine and not speak for the next 3 months?

Can’t friggin’ wait.

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Definition:

mommynms: n: Short for mommy acronyms. Words used online on pregnancy websites, message boards, etc. by moms to describe elements of their mommy lives).

I think BFP . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: BFP]]> I consider myself to be up on the majority of the internet acronyms, but when it comes to mommynyms I am not very well-versed.

Definition:

mommynms: n: Short for mommy acronyms. Words used online on pregnancy websites, message boards, etc. by moms to describe elements of their mommy lives).

I think BFP means big fat pregnancy or big fat positive (as in plus sign on a pregnancy pee stick) and that’s what I had father’s day weekend.

Please don’t get excited, I’m not pregnant, but if you wanna be uber excited for someone that is please go shower my friend Katie with congrats.

I haven’t been feeling very bloggy what with massive headaches and life threatening cramps… oh, and summer school.

So I haven’t really been checking my emails, deleting most of them. Or reading them and not responding.

I’m tired y’all. Like super exhausted.

Wait, where was this post going? Oh yeah…

So I’ve been asked twice already if I’m expecting. And seriously? When did that little “you never ask a woman if she’s pregnant if you’re not sure” rule go out of the window? Sheesh people.

I’ve always had a little pooch, which became even more defined after Pea’s birth, but I didn’t think it was enough to warrant pregnancy talk.

Let’s take a look at Exhibits A & B:

Pregnant? I think not.

Anyway, back to that B-F-P on father’s day.

Last year, we had a miscarriage and that was rough. We heard the heartbeat, saw the fetus and then… nothing.

This time, same outcome, though not the same route to get there.

I went in and they showed me an empty sac. Then? Week after week of blood draws and hcg levels. The levels went up, then “plateaued” and so they told me to “call two weeks after your miscarriage for an appointment” and that’s it.

No baby, just a sac that’s empty. And it’s cool. I’m not all torn up about it. What I am annoyed with is the absolute insensitivity of the doctors office. So I’ve been waiting for about 3 weeks and nothing has happened yet.

I called back and asked how long I’m supposed to wait for this natural miscarriage and was told “you’d be surprised at how long some people’s bodies hold on.” What the fuck does that mean?

Yesterday and today I was having death cramps. Today? Light cramps, but still no blood.

I’m not sure how long I should wait around. They were really trying to talk me into getting those inserts that you put in your vagina to soften the cervix to induce a miscarriage, but I didn’t really wanna do that. BUT, full-time school starts in less than 2 weeks and I don’t wanna be waiting around to start bleeding like a dead carcass in my classroom with 6 year olds.

Then they wanna run tests on me. I had a friend who just finished OB/GYN rounds tell me she believes there’s no need for fertility tests yet because I haven’t been actively trying for 1 year.

I don’t know what I think. I’m feeling too shitty to even think clearly. I’m irritable and it’s just not a good look for me right now.

Thoughts?

What should I do?

Should I take the inserts?

Wait it out?

Should I let them run tests or jump back in the saddle (no pun intended)?

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She won’t be 3 until January.

She is in daycare.

Her daycare providers want to put her in the 3-year old Pre-school room part-time. She has met and exceeded all 2-year old goals (except potty training!!!!! Argh!!) and at recess prefers to play and interact with the older children. . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Sh*t My Kid Says]]> Pea is 2.

She won’t be 3 until January.

She is in daycare.

Her daycare providers want to put her in the 3-year old Pre-school room part-time. She has met and exceeded all 2-year old goals (except potty training!!!!! Argh!!) and at recess prefers to play and interact with the older children. Her speech is more developed (say her teachers) and I guess she doesn’t respond well to jibber-jabber. She can count to fifteen (trying to count to twenty), she knows her ABCs, she can read the words “elephant,” “cat,” “dog” and a few others (thanks Your Baby Can Read), she knows more than basic body parts including neck, knees, elbow, belly, belly button, butt and her “gina,” she can tell you what color a grasshopper is and a cricket and knows that they are not the same (why does she know that?!), she knows all of her colors…

And since I have no material to write about, I thought I’d fill this post with Pea-isms.

“I wah hear blankie wih Daee” (I want to lay under my heart blanket with Daddy)

“I wah go dim to pway” (I want to go to the gym to play)

“Mommee, Mommee wah you doin?”

“I wahtin teebee” (I’m watching tv)

“Dahee, I wah pway hiyatee, you do hi Daee go hea” (Daddy, I want to play hide and seek, you go hide Daddy- go ahead)

“Geh op Momee” (Get off Mommy)

“I wah witen to woll ober” (I want to listen to roll over- a.k.a. “Ten in a bed”)

“Dahee ti on the pwoor” (Daddy, sit on the floor)

“I wah way down wit Mommee” (I want to lay down with Mommy)

“I no tee ih, wheyidit?” (I don’t see it, where is it?)

“Mommee happee, teeeze” (Mommy is happy, cheese)

“I wah wear my Dora pahees” (I want to wear my Dora panties)

“I go Mommee cah, not Daee cah” (I want to go in Mommy’s car, not Daddy’s car)

“Here Mommee, I o done” (Here Mommy, I’m all done)

“My naiw bwoken Mommee, di a naiw qwip pweed” (My nail is broken, get a nail clip please)

Her daddy told her at 7 o’clock he would be changing the channel so Momy and Daddy could watch tv, her reply?

“No 7 o’clock”

In response to the sight of lightning: “Mommee, dah dangewous”

I ask the child to stop saying my name over and over and she says: “Dahs yo name Mommee” (That’s your name Mommy)

And as I type this, she is putting her slinky on her Dad’s head and telling him to wear a hat because it’s his birthday.

What?!

This kid. **sigh**

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Miranda’s having an issue with her 2 year old son hitting her.

My issue? Comes in the form of loud, annoying cries/screams and nonsensical throwing herself on the floor b.s.

I want . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Toddler Phases are Stupid, Part 2]]> I didn’t write part 1… Miranda did. BUT I can relate, so I’m piggy-backing and I know she won’t mind.

Miranda’s having an issue with her 2 year old son hitting her.

My issue? Comes in the form of loud, annoying cries/screams and nonsensical throwing herself on the floor b.s.

I want to preface this by saying that yes, she threw tantrums when I was a stay-at-home mom, but the size and magnitude of said tantrums have only escalated since she started school. I think a lot of her negative behavior is learned, not saying that my kid is an angel because for the love of God I know she’s not, but I’ve sat in her classroom before and seen some all-out blow outs from some kids. Standing on tables, taking off shoes and throwing it, hitting/pushing teachers, tilting the head back and screaming like a banshee… and she exhibits some of these behaviors during her tantrums.

Exhibit A. On Friday, we were on the military base for a play date and waiting for her dad to get off of work because he worked late. Her play date friend is also 2 and knows how to use the potty. Pea feels inclined at all times to pretend she gives a sh*t about using the potty as well and follows her friend into the restroom. I encourage this because I’ll take whatever potty pee I can get. But alas, she didn’t pee (duh!) and when her friend went to wash her hands Pea is all of a sudden obsessed with the step stool her friend was using and feeling the need to  push it around the restroom and play in the water in the sink. Uh no.

A. You didn’t use the restroom so why are you washing your hands?

B. I’m not gonna stand in here and entertain playing in the water and playing with a dirty a** step stool. I’m just not.

Let the tantrum begin.

Screaming.

Throwing herself on the floor. (Dirty a** public restroom floor, mind you)

More screaming.

Legs flailing, Arms flailing.

I end up having to pick her up and haul her out. She continues to scream, tries to wiggle free, more screaming and I’m done and embarrassed. We are at my husband’s job and she is having a hissy fit. She was playing dangerously earlier and I warned her that if she continued to not listen to me we would be going home. So, I get our things and put her in the car.

1 ear-piercing scream for the road, which made my husband’s boss turn her head (awesome) aaand then a fight to get in the car. Kicking the back of the car seat (so I remove her shoes), more screaming, crying, yelling (No, No, NO Go Home). It’s been like 20 minutes now. So, I drive over to where my husband was, trying to keep in mind that he was at work and I didn’t want to disturb him, but this was getting out of hand. I only drove 2 stoplights people and by the time I got there, she had finagled her way out of her car seat and given herself a bruise on her lower tummy in the process.

WHO IS THIS KID HOUDINI?!?!

How does she get out of her car seat?! I mean who does that? It’s ridiculous.

So now she’s standing in the back of the car (It’s a sedan, there isn’t all that much room for her with the car seat there) still screaming, trying to open the door (Thank God for child safety locks) and carrying on.

So I call my husband so I don’t cause physical harm to myself or her. He comes, takes her out, gets her shoes on and takes her to the baseball field with him (he runs all the kids sports at work) and when they come back about 30 minutes later, she’s all “Hi Mommee, what you doing?”

Really Jekyll and Hyde? Really?

I’m over these tantrums. Now I read an article Miranda’s husband found where this lady talked about sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor restraining your child when he/she is having a tantrum. I don’t feel like doing that. If I wanted to restrain kids I would’ve been an SIED teacher, not regular ed.

How do you handle this stupid toddler phase of tantrums and when can I expect this foolishness to be over?

Go.

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She pees in the potty at school, but getting her to pee at home? Is almost impossible.

And I know I’ve blogged about potty training incessantly, but it really epitomizes everything that frustrates the living daylights out of me.  I don’t know what to do.

Why will she pee . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: The One Where I Talk About How Potty Training Will Kill Me]]> Literally kill me.

She pees in the potty at school, but getting her to pee at home? Is almost impossible.

And I know I’ve blogged about potty training incessantly, but it really epitomizes everything that frustrates the living daylights out of me.  I don’t know what to do.

Why will she pee at school and not here?

Why did she stand there and piss on the carpet this morning in between diaper changes?

Why does she throw a tantrum whenever I try to get her to use the bathroom?

Why does she say ‘no’ every time I ask her if she needs to go potty?

Even more? If I ask her if her diaper is wet, she says no… even if it is.

I am, once again, soliciting potty training tips.

Mommy, you are not allowed to give me your “you kids were potty trained when you came out of the womb, I’m not sure why you can’t get Pea to go potty” stories. Those? Are discouraging.

Thanks.

So, how old was your kid when they went potty? What method did you use? Advice on what works/doesn’t work? Etc.

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PBS Kids

And now? Disney Junior

And I  do not let her watch TV all day, but if she asks and I feel it’s appropriate, I let her watch.

Why? Well first of all, she’s the smartest 2 year old in her class. I’d love to say it was all . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: I Just Wanna Watch TV]]> Nick Jr.

PBS Kids

And now? Disney Junior

And I  do not let her watch TV all day, but if she asks and I feel it’s appropriate, I let her watch.

Why? Well first of all, she’s the smartest 2 year old in her class. I’d love to say it was all me, but I have to thank the additional resources thrown in between:

Hooked on Phonics DVDs

Baby Einstein

Your Baby Can Read

Curious George

Martha Speaks

Ni Hao Kai Lan

The Fresh Beat Band

Team Umizoomi

The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Clifford the Big Red Dog

and the like.

For one? My kid knows all her shapes including ovals and diamonds. Thanks to Team Umizoomi for that.

Kai Lan and Yo Gabba Gabba teach her about manners, though I think she often misses the memo.

But, when Mommy and Daddy want to watch TV? We just wanna friggin watch the darn tv.

No tantrums, no complaints.

We talk about taking turns and we talk about “Cay-Cay’s turn” and “MommyDaddy turn” (because she thinks her dad and I are often one being and always say our names together with no ‘and’ in between).

And she’ll say NOOOOOOOOO CAY-CAY TURN. I watch Ni Hao Kai Lan! I watch Upside Down Show! I watch ________ (insert name of other show whose theme song I know that I wish I did not)

No, it’s Mommy and Daddy’s turn to watch tv.

NO!

Commence pouting.

And? If she’s feeling extra dramatic? Full on tantrum complete with foot stomping and non-existent tears.

**Sigh**

I just want to watch a movie.

“Oh honey, just let her watch Ni Hao Kai Lan, she’ll be in bed in no time.” (That’s the husband)

“Uhh I don’t want her to watch flippin’ Ni Hao Kai Lan, when the heck do we ever get to watch what we want to watch?” (That’s me sounding just like my doggone two year old)

Husband: “Well, we can always get her a little–”

Me: “Don’t EVEN talk to me about getting this child a tv. She will not have her own tv.”

I made an executive decision that we will only have 1 tv and that’s the family tv in the living room (not counting our ancient tv in our bedroom because my husband CANNOT SLEEP without background noise ala ESPN.) If she’s going to torture us with Nick Jr, then we get tortured as a family. At least I have my laptop to distract me from the madness. I already see how dumb I can be thanks to the trashy tv on the idiot box, I just don’t want her staring at tv whenever she feels like it.

Like her dad she needs noise to fall asleep, but I have opted for ocean sounds from her Brookstone sound machine.

It’s like that friggin book Go the F* To Sleep. I just wanna watch tv, but my kid? Has other plans for me.

Sweet.

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“No, no, no”

Oh brother I think. Here we go. Must be another night terror.

I head over and try to shush her back to sleep. Instead? A full on blow out occurs.

All out screaming, legs and arms flailing. Crying- no tears mind you.

WTF?! Is this really happening?