A Bittersweet Existence » random musings

The Nancy Botwin Effect

Dawana — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 20:46:39 +0000

Oh Nancy Botwin.

Image borrowed from Fan Pop

Horrible, pot seller. Not so great mom. Amazing iced coffee drinker. Skilled at luring powerful men to do things they would not normally do. Avid Diet Coke drinker.

Is that what her Eulogy would say? I don’t know.

I’ve been sucked into the world of Weeds. In it’s eight season on Showtime, I’ve watched Seasons 1-4 on Netflix (thanks, B for letting me use your account) in the past three weeks. Sad, right? But it’s mesmerizing.

Nancy Botwin is such a fuck up. I mean, she just is.

She’s not the best mom. Her oldest son dropped out of high school to join the weed game, her youngest son whacked a very powerful woman with a mallet to save his family from whatever not-good future the woman had in store for them. She had a baby for a Mexican drug lord/politician, then tried to flee the country with said baby. I mean Nancy, get it together.

But she’s also funny, witty and clearly loves her kids. And they love her. No matter what kind of fucked up path her choices has led her down. She’s all about survival, no matter how unconventional her survival tactics are.

I keep watching because I want to see what kind of mess she is going to get her family into next and, more importantly, how she plans on getting them out of it.

Sometimes, I feel just like Nancy Botwin.

No, my husband didn’t die and I didn’t pick up selling pot to support my family, but still.

When Nancy has those really reflective moments where she like what the fuck have I done? Are my kids gonna be fucked up? Could I have done things better? When she just seems like a drifter because she’s so dazed and confused about life? But how she just picks herself right back up and attacks the task at hand- after a Diet Coke or iced coffee, a glass of wine or a bottle of Patron… (Whether she does it with grace is another question, but…)

Yup. That’s the Nancy Botwin Effect.

I just feel like her sometimes- like what the hell am I doing? Where am I going? What is happening right now? And I feel like I need to channel my inner Nancy Botwin to handle it.

Like WWNBD? (What would Nancy Botwin do?) and then I get it done, without the iced coffee, though. I don’t like iced coffee.

She is not a model mom. That’s for sure. I don’t want my kids growing up to sell weed or be killers, but damn it she owns her shit. She knows she’s a fuck up and that’s some powerful stuff. To know yes, I fucked up. Moving on.

This post is pointless, but to tell you that I’ve been sucked into the world of Weeds. I’m annoyed that Netflix only has seasons 1 through 4 (get it together Netflix) and how I adore Nancy Botwin.

Carry on with your day.

Mommy-Do

Dawana — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:52:38 +0000

We’ve all heard of the honey-do list. (Things you want/need your “honey” to do)

When I was a stay-at-home mom, I used to make Mommy-Do lists. It’s so hard as a stay-at-home mom to remember all of the things you need to do in one day, so I’d make Mommy-Do lists to remind myself of things that I needed to do.

Well, folks.

My Mommy is coming on Saturday.

That’s right, Lecia is landing in Colorado.

I haven’t seen my Mommy in about two years? I think she came to California in November of ’09.

So, I’m making a Mommy-Do list for my Mommy.

She’ll be here for 3 weeks. That’s plenty of time. Right?

Fix the buttons on my Pea coat. (Yes, I can sew buttons, but you do it better.)
Make me some jerk chicken.
Make me some fried dumpling.
Teach your granddaughter how to sleep in her own room/bed.
Make dinner. Preferably every night so that I don’t have to do it.
Watch Pea so that I can go get my eyebrows done…. or anything- read a book, sit in silence.
Take Pea to get her flu shot.
Teach Pea how to poop on the potty too, not just pee.
Go to a seafood restaurant with me- Joe’s Crab Shack, Red Lobster- SOMEWHERE where we can eat fish, shrimp and any other kind of seafood (my husband doesn’t really do seafood).

I can’t think of anything else. So I guess after number 8 she’s off the hook.

What does your Mommy do when she comes?

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“I Don’t Have to Get All Dressed Up…”

Dawana — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 00:17:04 +0000

So have I mentioned that in this town (city?- whatever), the dress code is as follows:

pajamas
slippers
slippers
pajamas

Not even kidding.

People love rollin’ out of their house in their pjs and house shoes. Even worse? They bring the kids out of the house like that too. It is not uncommon to be at the store and see a child running around in those one-piece footed pajamas WITH NO SHOES ON OVER IT. I hope that kid isn’t getting back into a bed with those dirty ass pj’s when they get home. Yuck.

Oh, don’t act like you forgot that I’m a germaphobe.

What kind of nasty shit is now on the bottom of your child’s footed pajamas? They need to be washed ASAP… or burned.

Either one.

But about a week ago I stumbled upon this lovely piece on Facebook

And I just could not stop dying of laughter.

Get dressed up? To go to Walmart?

Seriously?

I have absolutely lowered my standards of leave-the-house-appropriateness because of places like Walmart (and the lovely People of Walmart website which I have thought about contributing to OFTEN)…

I can’t even contain my laughter now.

And thought it appropriate to share.

You’re welcome.

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Names

Dawana — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 20:59:48 +0000

So as a teacher I come across some interesting names… and I often wonder what possesses people to name their children the things that they do.

I’m all about unique… I think. Cause my name is unique. You don’t meet too many Dawana’s, though they are out there. Freshman year of college I think we had like 40 million Erin’s, Ashley’s, Meghan’s and Katherine/Katie/Kate (love you ksluiter!) and other names that some would say are common.

But I think unique gets taken to the extreme when you name your kid some shit that they can’t friggin spell by First Grade. And unless you come from a culture where names with 80 thousand letters are common, why? Why do that? When people look at their class roster and have to say uh… um… and choose to use your last name to identify your child because they can’t pronounce the first name? Can’t even sound it out? Yeah… It’s too much. Maybe you should stop at 3 syllables.

There’s nothin’ wrong with common folks.

Keep. It. Simple.

But I guess people can destroy any name. I mean my last name has three letters- just three and I am CONSTANTLY being asked how to pronounce it. Seriously dude? Are you dumb? There is no trickery involved, just say it how it looks. Stop trying to complicate it.

But you know what else gets me?

When people give their child a first name that is disturbingly similar to their last name. For example:

Michael Michaels
Tom Thompson
Robert Robertson
Daniel Daniels
Will Williams

I mean seriously? Why would you do that to your kid?

Why?

It’s not even right.

ALSO, I think it’s funny when people have two first names.

Like Ron Paul… It just makes me giggle.

When we were pregnant, we started throwing names around and it’s tough. My husband and I have very different taste in names. Like for boys, he’s all about “Football names”… right. Have you WATCHED college football lately? You need a damn interpreter to say some of these guys’ names!

And while I think names like Emma are cute, that gets a firm no from him.

It took us for-EVER to agree on a name for Cadence. Finally, I dragged my pregnant behind with husband in tow to a book store, pulled all of the baby name books and declared that we’d sit there until we chose one. And we did.

Cadence Parker

and she’s fantastic.

Hopefully we’ll have the chance to name another child and trust me, it won’t be a Bonqueesha, but it won’t be Tom.

I’m just sayin’. Your child has to live with that name forever. Give them something they can work with.

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How Crayola Ruins My Life… Day After Day

Dawana — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 15:00:39 +0000

Image borrowed from JamesPreller.com

Crayola.

What comes to mind when you hear that name/word?

Grandeur, maybe?

Crème de la crème, possibly?

Top of the motha-frickin’ line crayons.

As an Elementary School teacher I work with crayons on a regular basis. And not for coloring (because God forbid we let the kids just. color.) but for true academic enrichment.

Today, in summer school we were identifying certain nouns and marking them with various colors. I was nervous the second I chose to use that worksheet because children. Little 5, 6, and 7 year old children who are able to read just enough to let you know what something says can’t just color.

They can’t.

It’s so hard.

For example, if I say to you “let’s find as many verbs as possible and color the verbs red.” Easy, right?

No.

I get “Mrs. H… this isn’t red, this is “Brick Red” or “Orange Red” and I need red!

Mrs. Hhhhhhhhhh (put on your most whiny voice). This isn’t pink it’s mulberry or salmon.

This isn’t blue it’s teal blue.

Really Crayola?

Did they miss the memo about how persnickety children are? Especially when they know that they know something?

r-e-d spells red, not b-r-i-c-k r-e-d

b-l-u-e spells blue, not t-e-a-l

Too many color options slows up learning time with people fighting/arguing/complaining about colors.

SHE WON’T LET ME BORROW THE BLUE TO COLOR THE NOUN I FOUND!!!!!!!

HE’S NOT SHARING THE YELLOW!!!!!!

Keep. It. Simple.

I’d rather parents just go to the Dollar Tree and get a cheaper box of crayons with the basic colors. Brown, not Raw Sienna. Yellow, not Sunglow. Green, not Tropical Rain Forest.

But of course, kids know the difference between Crayola and the knock-offs, it’s as crazy as if you bought them Payless shoes instead of Nike shoes. Crayola are the “real crayons” and then there’s the “other stuff.”

I? Get to say stuff like “come on now, there are so many different shades of blue, just use the Violet Blue, I don’t have time to listen to you argue with me about the shade of blue not being right” or “Okay, since you need to wait for the shade of green you want, would you like to do this at recess instead since you can’t complete it now?“

You can see the most up-to-date list of Crayola colors, with photos, on Wikipedia.

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On Hemorrhoids and Yeast Infections

Dawana — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 02:48:06 +0000

Oh you read correctly.

I am going there.

Close this now if you can’t take the heat.

But ladies, what the FUCK?!

Why do we have the pleasure of not only bleeding from our vaginas once a month and pushing human life out of a small ass hole, but hold the possibility of having yeast infections and (for some of us) thanks to child birth- hemorrhoids? What is that?

Don’t talk to me about Pandora’s box or Adam & Eve and the woman’s curse/plight cause who told Adam’s dumb ass to eat the apple?

Nobody! When the fuck do men ever listen to their wives anyway?

I’ll wait…

Right, never.

So he was an idiot.

I recently told my husband that once a month, men’s balls should just burn like nobody’s fuckin business, maybe then they will get a taste of what we go through with monthly cycles, childbirth, yeast infections and other things that just seem to happen to us without control.

What the fuck is a yeast infection anyway? I’m not gonna bake anything in my crotch. And do I look like I wanna put some white creamy shit for 1, 3, or goodness forbid 7 days? Oh cause I don’t, it wasn’t on my list of things to do.

And while I’m talking about putting things in places, why is the cure for stuff like that the insertion of stuff?

For hemorrhoids you get to stick some Vaseline-like goop in your ass. Seriously? Who thought of this stuff?

I was blessed with hemorrhoids in my third trimester with Pea and they love me so much they like to show their faces from time-to-time. And when the over-the-counter stuff doesn’t work? You have to go see your doctor. Why? I don’t know.

I pay $25 to go to the doctor, have him stick his finger in my ass and go “oh yeah, those are hemorrhoids, here’s a prescrip for your steriod.” Really doc? Good job. I needed you to stick your finger in my ass for $25 to tell me something that I already knew- why couldn’t he just call in the prescription? If I wanted to be sodomized by a finger, which I don’t, I could ask my husband- he’d do it for free.

Moving on. My point? Is what do men get that is as uncomfortable and (for some) embarrassing as hemorrhoids and yeast infections?

Nothing.

What? Like jock itch?

Men scratch their balls anyway, so if you had jock itch who would know? Women can’t just walk around scratching their vag… yeah, that’s not socially acceptable.

Oh and having both a yeast infection and hemorrhoids at the same time?

Your front and back doors are all fucked up. You’re closed for business and a fuckin’ itchy, burning mess.

It’s really just some bullshit.

And I’m done.

If you think, wow- this girl is crazy. I just wanna say that I put this question out on Twitter:

and I received a number of responses telling me to write about both/all, my favorite of those being:

So true Trish. Like hemorrhoids, friends can be a pain in the ass.

I’ll blog about friends another day.

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Summer Itch

Dawana — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 15:26:15 +0000

This is the part of the summer that I realize I have no friends to hang out with, I’m watching way too much television and I’m bored. Ergo, (love that word) I am ready to go back to work.

Yes, that happens, almost every summer off of work, but especially this summer. There’s no cool places for me to hang out here and I’m not the type to go sit at Starbuck’s and do nothing because I can do that at home.

And since I am doing nothing but writing articles and watching tv and eating and going to the gym, I have no inspiration and nothing to write about.

Maybe tomorrow.

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Friday Funny- Barbie’s Flat Screen

Dawana — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 02:17:07 +0000

I always tell y’all about how much TV I watch and my sense of humor…. well let’s just say it’s kinda easy to get a laugh out of me. I want to start sharing my favorite commercials on Fridays cause really- who doesn’t need a laugh?

I just saw this one today. This seems like something that Pea would do- hands down.

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What’s My Motivation?

Dawana — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 17:03:22 +0000

School’s out.

Yet and still.

I’m super crazy busy.

Writing articles and whatever I can for cash.

With that being said. I have nothing to write today. I have to think of some awesome-sauce post to write for Katie’s blog which I need to get to her by Sunday.

I also got 2 requests for rap songs that need “translating,” which should be fun. I’ll have those up soon too.

Therefore, I will fill this post with pictures of my Pea from the park.

The End.

Yes, her shoes are tore up.
Those are her “mommy paid $10 for these shoes at WalMart because I play hard and ruin $40 Nikes within a week
so now I am banned to wearing WalMart shoes to daycare, the park and anywhere else that I play” shoes.

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So Many Words

Dawana — Sun, 22 May 2011 15:48:56 +0000

Mommeeee. Mommeee.

{Yes?}

I wahn do pway. I wahn go swide. (I want to go play, I want to go slide)

Mommeeee. Mommeeee.

{Yes?}

Dah scaweeee. (That’s scary)

Mommeeee. Mommeeee. (Cause she can never say my name just once)

{Yes?}

Ih wed. (It’s red)

{Yes, it is red Pea.}

Mommeeee. Mommeeee.

{Getting super frustrated… Yes Pea?}

Ma tock eh mittin. (My sock is missing)

{Where is your sock?}

Qwergthjkmng Ttyujkilmnbg Yghjklkmnbgv (aka some inaudible speech)

{What?}

Rdfghjk,mnb Yhyjkl,mnb Dfghjkijuy(more inaudible speech)

{Umm okay. Plan B: Hun! Have you seen her sock?! (It’s down here, she threw it off) Okay, Pea, your sock is downstairs, Daddy has it. You cannot say your sock is missing if you throw it off, okay?}

Mittin tock o gun- accompanied by baby sign language sign for finished/all done (Missing sock all done)

{You can’t say missing sock all done, that makes no sense}

Otay Mommeeee. (Okay Mommy)

Mommeeee. Mommeeee.

{Yes?}

I tee bwoo car. (I see a blue car)

{Yes, that is a blue car}

Mommeeee. Mommeeee.

{Yes?}

Ih all gone. (It’s all gone)

{Yup, it’s all gone}

Mommeeee. Mommeeee.

{Yes, Pea.}

Ih a pork. (It’s a fork)

{Yes, that is a fork}

{Mommy Sneeze}

Ga bweshoo Mommee. (God bless you Mommy)

{Thank you Pea}

Pea sneezes

{God bless you Pea}

Kank You Mommeee. (Thank you Mommy)

{You are so welcome}

{Mommy yawns}

Mommee sweepy. (Mommy sleepy)

{Yes Pea, Mommy is sleepy.}

NO! I DOH WAN TO!

(Excuse me?)

NO! I DOH WAN TO!

(That is very rude, you may not say that to your Mommy)

NO! I DOH WAN TO!

(Mommy proceeds to slap hand and repeat above said statement)

I towee Mommeee. (I’m sorry Mommy)

(MMhm)

She has so many words. It’s as though she woke up one day and had an entire vocabulary readily available. It’s a little crazy.

On Friday, I pick her up from school and I had my umbrella with me. One of the boys in her class picked up my umbrella and she shouts:

NO CJ. DAS MY MOMMEE UMBWEYA!!

It was amazing. And cute.

Not only was she sticking up for Mommy, like “hey, don’t touch my Mommy’s shit!” but all of the words that she put together in one sentence… just warmed my heart.

My baby is gettin big y’all.

Glamor shots, by Deb.

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